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Undine Redux

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Undine Redux

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January 2nd, 2015

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This morning, Lucy Z. passed away in the midst of her family. With her last breath she summoned those close to her. Each had the chance to say their goodbyes.

Her last gesture, a testament of her strength and love and generosity.

Rest in Peace dear friend.

invoking guidance

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This new year's eve and again on new year's day I held the hand of a person, a dear friend's mother, on her last days on this earth.

Unable to speak, life barely flickers in her.

Her family blocked from having any emotional connection with her due to conflicts and resentment built over the years.

And I, an intruder, an outsider, and able to reach and hold on to her.

She squeezed hand for what seemed like forever and did not let go. I did not know what to say to her. I told her that we are all coming sooner or later and all else is an illusion. I told her that her life mattered and that she has beautiful children and grandchildren. I told her that I do not know exactly what I believe in, that my belief is a process and never expect it to end, but that I am sure that we are cared for, and that the source of light is out there. I tried to tell her that. I tried to tell her that in her life as a nurse she has given a lot of love and she has made an impact. I did not know what to say to her.

On my way there the second day I was able to come out of myself for a moment, and see the broader image. It is not my right to have the connection with their mother in this moment. I am not allowed to revel in this vanity. At the very last moment I called R for help, for spiritual guidance. I always do.

My task is, if I am allowed, to help create the space in which they, the children, can find it possible to stop quarreling and start giving their mother the respect and space and support she needs.

Nobody is ever ready for this type of hardship or challenge. I am privileged to be a part of it and to be trusted to be in the middle of my friend's family and I have to allow those spirits who can help to speak through me in this moment.

I do not know if I lived up to it. I know that they all appreciated my presence but I wish I could be wiser, more compassionate, more patient.

August 19th, 2014

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kid, parked

oh child of mine

your hair belongs to the wind
your toe to concentric circles
in swarowski lakes
your cheeks, to caresses of rain drops
your dark eyes should reflect
sparkles on indigo skies
and the smile,
your vague smile,
should fly over rainbows

oh child of mine
captured before birth
parked on asphalt
green glow of black device
on your sweet forehead

how will I pass on to you
the vast inheritance?



Life was not enough
I had to expand until
I became rain

Love wasn't enough
I had to erupt
Into butterflies

I had to be spring
to dissipate into blue
I had to be broken mirror
to scream to scream to scream

.... life was not enough
I had to be blue
to dissipate into spring

I had to mirror
I had to rain
I had to butterfly


Venetian

You,
wind gondola
My skin,
Venetian waters
listening
to your trailing
fingertips.
We dissolve
inverted
In flowing sky


Falling in love
as runaway
cognitive bias.

white noise valkyries
like demented cherubs
slain indiscriminately
in pitch darkness

Deadly miscalculation,
Convincing proof of fallacy
of this damaged
fragmented
human



My emotional landscape
Is Escherian

Iconic ladders twist straight
hallways excite with trapdoors and obscure passages
stairways unwind cutting through sparkly dark salt undergrounds
Leading deeply into the moth tickled throat of a yawning Narnian wardrobe

yes that's right
my emotional landscape
is a Freudian amusement park.
I perceive a wink of approval
between the lines of a D.H. Lawrence novel
In Merimee's Carmen serenaded by cobblestone and heels
And in the muffled voice of Nabokov's crystal Lolita

Somewhere
Through an ornate doorway
The sedated smoke of sheeshas
is choreographed
in arabesque calligraphy.
Beyond, a cavernous space unfurls into being.
On ivory background mute assistants
offer enlongated vertical streams of steaming sweet mint tea
and deaf carpet salesmen drive a hard bargain.

A missed step, and somehow
at my feet unfolds a steppe
and here, discarded pop culture references
Weary of the televised tension of their existence
dodge cowboy tumbleweeds
and shred linear logic

I rush out the door
The suspended, inexplicable door
And find myself in a desert

my emotional landscape
is fraught with quicksand caves leading
deeply into
hypnotically into subterranean lakes of liquid lead
From where I do not know
How I escaped
That one time.

My emotional landscape
Is a labyrinthinean Carpathian forest
alternately enamoured of its storytale self
and gnarled of fear

And you?
my fool in shinning armour!
Your frail parchment map
inversely cautions you in vain
to unadventure.

- escherily yours


June 30th, 2013

Do as I did .
In the face of possibility,
build brick walls.
Do not allow it to trickle in
Do not drink its poison
Walk straight
Unencumbered by sin
By passion
By all that writhes
In the velvet darkness

The complicate balance
Of dreams


the dance company for which I choreograph and give and give and receive and love.

October 1st, 2012

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Heh looks like I'm back in the craporate world with a real paying job and crazy schedule. Love it, missed it. My manager is completely taken with me, keeps telling me how great I'm doing, it's my 4th week at the company. I'm not sure why he's so confident but hey. Let's see how long it takes. I liked CBC but not the position, it was too many steps down from what I'm used to, in responsibility and pace.

And now for some dancing experiments. I don't do Roma dance. Only briefly took class with Ferda Bayazit, Lesya Starr and with Hadia. So I won't call it Roma dance. I don't care what it's called, the music is eastern European (one of them a very soulful old Romanian song)



and

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[ wrote this a few months ago but never hit save ] 

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”
Oscar Wilde, The Important of Being Earnest

So, let's talk about me.

Enjoying the health and vitality while it lasts. I know that this feeling comes and goes, and the good stuff shall pass, too. So meanwhile, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

The workshop with Rachel Brice that practically fell in my lap (was on facebook at the exact minute when someone was trying to sell her spot).

The workshop with Sashar Zarif on Fundamentals of Sufi/Shamanic performance... two 4 hrs workshops this last weekend.

The Butoh workshops with Denise Fujiwara (I missed the last one)

Almost daily pilates or yoga classes I've been taking at lunch every day.

Taking Daniel to a rock concert last week (K'naan).

Taking Daniel to the muthadi drum festival this last weekend. Seeing him frolic with a bunch of hippies (gorgeous young men with long dreadlocks). Dancing like a crazy maniac with my son in the mud (we were sooo dirty by the end of it)

Enjoying the weekend with my friend Adina and helping her get a bit less frazzled.

Learning hooping today!

Having lunch with my friend Suhanniyah tomorrow.

and so on and so on

I have to keep moving. Just found out that my blood tests results means 100% certainty of developing blood clots (really?! if a piano falls on me tomorrow, it will make a liar out of my hemat

May 23rd, 2012

listening

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First, the foot floats just one inch about the floor. The pelvis moves forward in space at the same time, in smooth continuous motion. The foot continues its descent, hoovering just millimeters over the floor. Barely an illusion of touch. The pelvis keeps moving forward. The skin on the bottom of the foot brushes now lightly on the floor, a slight impression. The foot keeps falling downward. The pressure increases, no more ambiguity now. Sinking. The contact is real. Cool and refreshing.  The foot keeps descending. The skin is now pressing into the floor and now the muscles react. The padding on the ball of the foot accomodates. Sinking. The pelvis keeps pushing forward into space. The foot keeps descending. The pressure is felt flatly across the entire foot now. The foot keeps descending. How far did it descend? Has it been a whole meter? now the bones accomodate. The pressure is now undeniable, the ankle starts wobbling slightly as all the weight is on the foot.

so much space in just one inch of movement.

butoh
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May 16th, 2012

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Just a quick update on my job.

I love it!!!! But the pay cut is .... 'substantial' is an understatement. Ah who cares, it makes a lot less difference than I thought.

that's all.

May 13th, 2012

IBCC pics from last weekend

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Ranya Renee:




Mahmoud Reda, Ranya and Sahra Saeeda xoxoxox: (I look stoooopid)



And Tamalyn Dallal ....



And hey, if you say, how come I look better in pics now, well guess what, there's a technique to being photogenic and after YEARS of dumbass pics I finally found out. Check out this, it really works:

August 27th, 2011

love hope optimism

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