miss colombina

At 2pm yesterday I woke up from the anaesthesia.

At 3pm I was out of the hospital.

At 3:20 I was in a Vietnamese restaurant close by, waiting for a huge bowl of Pho.

I am feeling so much better. Still being haunted by fears but mostly just much better.

Yesterday I spent either walking around, having a nice brunch, or watching Ranya's Beledi video.

What a generous video! 5 hours - 2 dvds. I couldn't finish of course, but I love what I learn from her every single time.

When she was in Toronto for the first time, she talked about the origins of movement in our bodies, how to stay connected and alive. The second time, she talked about breathing. This time, about music. What she teaches me, stays with me. I can honestly say she is one of the strongest influences in my dance.

My little brother gave me a 50$ certificate for Amazon.ca so I also spent that on three items.

The Best Tales of Hoffmann" E. T. A. Hoffmann; Paperback;

"Bellydance Superstars: Tribal Fusion Fundamentals" Sherri;

"BellyDance: Fluid Tribal with Fayzah" Fayzah; DVD;

Unfortunately amazon.ca doesn't carry a number of other videos which I was hoping for:

Flawless Floorwork: The Lost Art of Belly Dance Floorwork
Combination Nation Vol 1: Belly Dance Instruction with America's Hottest Performers

And the last of the purchases, Nourhan Sharif wear. I didn't care before what I was wearing in class, but now I feel the need to look good.

( pics of the stuff I bought )

Yes, I made a bit of damage in the cheque book.

I'm going to give myself 10 more days of not doing stuff (to just rest) but then I'm going back to dancing and exercising.

Daniel watching the Jungle Books, seeing Baloo floating in the lake with Mowgly on his belly: 
"That's a bear boat!"

Eating a fortune cookie:
"Mama did you take the label out?"

Hearing me call Mike from the basement:
"Did mama fall in a hole?"

Here's what I'm doing today after work.

I'm buying tickets for International Bellydance Conference of Canada for April 2010.  I'm applying to dance both on Open Stage and Main Stage.

Then I'm taking Boo and Mike out for a picnic somewhere if it's not too cold. Or I'm popping his tricycle in the car and going to the beaches to bike on the boardwalk.

Then I'm going to put him to bed and going to the gym to practice dance.

Then I'm going to watch a movie with Mike. Probably Cafe Bagdad.

... and ANOTHER MRI today. And they came out clean! In other words, Mike is going to be just fine. I float slowly back to Earth. Now he will get next Tuesday a spinal tap and then the week after, the blood patch. I float slowly back to Earth and the future comes back into focus. The evenings spent together holding each other watching a movie. Tickling Daniel and hugging and laughing with him together. Going to the Zoo for the 15th time this year together. Growing old together. Making another baby. All that good stuff that I never, ever took for granted and now I am in no danger of ever taking for granted. And of course the good old paranoia like an old shoe.

Internally, this  has been a vertigo of pleading, making deals, apologising, negotiating, asking forgiveness, praying, pleading, making promises, with? I can't say. G-d? 

I'm exhausted. It's so easy to exist being cynical and disconnected.  It's much tougher to exist being vulnerable.
Mike is still suffering but it makes such a big difference to know that it's not _that_ .

We are given another MRI today. Today! 

And tomorrow morning we'll get the results..

I have no words.

My parents have Daniel for the weekend so I was able to clean the house yesterday. On Friday we had an MRI at 10pm but they screwed up the scheduling so Mike wasn't able to get the head MRI (which requires some sort of contrast solution injected in him), only the neck MRI which was scheduled much later. It was not nice, what happened there. I argued and argued with the receptionist but when I talked to the technician she right away saw the problem and said that we will be getting the MRI as soon as possible, next week. I will be at the neurology clinic early morning on Monday to see that this happens. They were very kind to us, the staff. 

The technician was the same one who gave me my ultrasound with Daniel. In this new  world in which this illness is punishment, the technician is a good omen.

Mike was feeling bad on Friday but on Saturday he felt much better so we went to see a movie. Terminator. I'm now terrified because in the first few minutes of the movie Mike had a very funny reaction - he was scared of the robot. He basically jumped in his seat. I've known him for 14 years, this is the first time he ever acted like that. He usually is a very zen, very calm person. I'm afraid this is a "personality change". Other than this oddity, he is the exact same person.

I need this MRI and the results.

We're still ttc'ing as an act of faith in the future.

Daniel is a ray of sunshine. He's outsmarting us all. Grandma lets him use the blender to make her coffee, the spinach cream, mashed potatoes etc. So they were picking up berries from my mom's backyard and Daniel wanted to use the blender on them. My mom said to him, if you want to blend them, you have to eat them. Anything you blend you have to eat. My smarty pants son says to my mom, "I do bj-bj (that's what he calls using the blender) with coffee, and I don't drink coffee! "

So in your face grandma.

That educator at the daycare who made him cry a year ago? Well they're friends now. I asked him if he likes her (Lianne), and he says "yes, she's nice and soft" (she's a big woman).

The MRI is planned for Friday at 10pm. I feel reassured that it's really that and not something else. Mike's been staying home and feeling a lot better since he doesn't stand up much during the day. And when he has coffee, he feels better - exactly as described on the net.

I'm very weary of internet self-diagnosing. I read stuff online but it's so obvious that the knowledge that the doctors have is better by many numbers of magnitude. That's why they spend years and years in school. They are exposed to knowledge that we simply don't have. It's ridiculous to think anyone can do better in an afternoon of browsing. But once you are diagnosed, I don't see anything wrong with reading up on the condition. Though I don't want to turn this into something political or a base for moralizing.

I'm supersitious, I've always been. And always imagined that the worst is about to happen to us, because we were always so happy go lucky. My life with Mike is best described by "bliss". There's something unholy, dangerous about this. Why would I be so lucky? I always imagined that there is something waiting for us just around the corner. Maybe this is related to the cat. Maybe it's payback.

I don't know what to believe, but it's useless to discuss because it's not my rational side the part that is superstitious. So any argument passes right by me. Logic is transparent to the forces that move the mechanisms of my supersition. The knocking on wood. The sprinkling of salt. And other obsessive compulsive little things that I do. Constantly.

I live with these things and they don't bother me much. We truly were blissful and happy. And daily expecting the shoe to drop.

But now that we're here, things are not so black and white anymore. There are more shades of gray. Mike WILL BE OK. I'm going to get my sweet husband back and then, when he's back, I will pull back and let him breathe, because he must be so tired of my nursing day and night. Who wouldn't? 

Last four weeks have been full of worry and pain and scare.. Mike has had a headache since 15 of June, sometimes accompanied with nausea and vomiting, and neck pain. The family doctor first said it was sinus pain of some kind. Then he thought maybe it was a pulled neck and recommended chiropractor. But it didn't explain why the pain subsides so quickly when he lies down. 

The family doctor told us to go to ER, and we spent 8 hrs in the emerg.  He's neurologically sound.. but still couldn't find out what is going on. We received an appointment with the neurologist within 4 days, and the neurologist sent us to a CT scan the same day.

We found out a few days later (today) that Mike's brain fluid is leaking. It sounds horrid, but it's not the worst thing. It was a spontaneous leak, and usually they resolve by themselves. Mike's didn't. We are going to go to an MRI next week sometime, and then he'll get a blood patch if they find the leak site, to heal it.. I'm glad that we didn't do the chiropractor thing though, it would probably have made things much worse...

I hope with every breath and heartbeat that my love will get better soon, and I'll have my dear, sweet husband back happy and healthy...

I believe the health care system in this country works.

Mike: All Daniel's undies are in the laundry! I don't have what to give him! 
[... franticly looking for a pair..]
Me: I found one!! 
Mike: Is it clean? 
Me: It'd better be, it was in the fruit bowl! 








(disclaimer: we turned the clean laundry basket upside down on the table which happened to have a bowl with fruit on it)

The first two times, we managed to bullseye in the first month. This time, we missed in the first two tries. But, oh well, it will happen.

I thought I could stop exercising to protect the non-existent fetus. But after almost 8 months of patchy exercise, of watching myself deteriorate and getting lazy and depressed, I've had enough.

Sunday I bought myself a sh*tload of personal  training classes. I promised myself that after I have my 2nd I will reward myself with personal training to make up for all the time that I wasn't allowed to exercise.

People are relentless. They like to "help". To all the peeps  who jumped to tell me how it's okay to exercise during pregnancy, with all due respect, mind your own business really.  ( Why don't you write a note to my doctor that in your opinion it should be okay for me to exercise? ) Everybody is different and my decision is not to take any chances.

So here's the plan. Get AF. Exercise like mad. O. Stop exercising totally. Get AF again . Exercise like mad. O. Stop exercising [ x n ]. Get AF again. Exercise like mad. O. Stop exercising. Get positive test. Give birth. Take a month off. Start again and finish the rest of the 


                                    TWENTY FOUR

personal training sessions I bought as a gift to myself.

This morning I woke up and a scary thought came to me. Oh no, it's the weekend and I have so much work to do at the office!! 

But then I realized it was only Thursday, and I was relieved.

What is this job doing to me? Today I asked if we can supply our office with defibrillators.

It's 8:30am.

Breakfast is finally finished. We're late.
Daniel announces that he needs to go to the potty.
While I'm putting my makeup on, I tell him to go ahead.

I look at him a minute later, to notice that he's standing up to pee. 

[info cut]
I specifically asked all the males in my family to never pee standing up in front on Daniel to avoid him attempting this for the time being.
[/cut]

Slow-mo "noooo!" from Mike.  I catch the exact moment as he proudly turns, hips and all, towards me and Mike to show us his newest accomplishment. With a big winning smile.

Pee goes everywhere. 
 

 

Mike and I drop on the floor laughing.

 

Daniel understands pointers.

My brother was playing kinda roughly with him the other day, so I said to him "don't hurt my son!".

Little peanut gallery also chimes in : "don't hurt ... <pause, thinking hard> mommy's son!"

So, obviously he's going to be a computer programmer.

I'm starting to get adjusted to the new responsibilities at work. My dad calls me with precious advice every other day. For the time being, I do pretty much everything. I manage to delegate a few things but it's an effort, because the delegees need to be trained. The politics that I have to deal with has soared significantly. I am on an aggressive schedule to program this thing that only I can do right now because there's an infrastructure change, I have to train the developers to be able to take over for the phase 2, I do the code reviews for the support team which is not mine but they haven't figured out yet how to do their own, analysis for the incoming incidents which should go to support but they're used to come to me, I go to training sessions on how to manage testers, design meetings with the architecture team so that they can tell me which way the wind blows, extinguish fires when a demo is about to go wrong for the client management team, set up environments for the test team, etc etc etc. It's insane.

It's awesome.

The worst part is my own turnaround time is bad. If I code, I like to code uninterrupted. It takes me 15 minutes to get back into coding after someone comes by my desk. It's bad, I know, and I'm trying to get better at it...

My work-friend who was pissed off when I received the promotion finally got over it. Good thing, too, because I don't know what I'd do without her.

And then yesterday she walled me with a letter about accepting God in my life. Oh, ok. For a moment I wanted to hit reply-all and send a message that started with "I know one too! A Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar... " .

But I didn't.

The business analyst in my team is the best! He already started to produce flow diagrams in his documents, wooo hooo for UML!! 

The tester is a primadonna. He kinda eats my energy, especially when he comes to my desk with stuff. Here's a conversation with him.

Hi, ioana, I got this thing to test.
Hi. Yes?
But I don't know anything about it.
I know, I sent you the functional requirements document with all the information you need to know.
But you know, I really don't know anything about it..
I know. So please read the document. It has everything in there.
It's just that I never saw it before.
I know. So read the document.
And I've never done this before.
Ok. There will be many things that you haven't done before.
And I need to learn about it, but I've never even SEEN it.
So what do you want me to do? I'm very busy, if I had time I'd sit with you and explain everything. I really, really don't have that time.
Yeah I know. But I don't know anything about it. [seriously - this is how this conversation goes]
Okay A, then what do you want me to do? How can I make this easier for you? [this is the advice from my dad. not bad ]
Hmmm... hmmm... I guess I'll have to read the document.
[Are you sure? Maybe you want me to read it to you? ]

Actually, it is a lot worse than this. I'm having a really hard time to get him to concentrate on testing _functionality_ and leave the font and the alignment to the last phase. I identify, I used to be pig-headed about things (other things, not fonts or alignment) .

I asked him to help by starting doing the functional test documents for the part that I'm coding now, it took a whole week to convince him to maybe do it. Because he heard that so and so from another team is assigned to do it. I don't know so and so, can't rely on so and so, and the so and so is on vacation till june 1st. I'm supposed to deliver the code for june 1st. How would anyone start testing on june 2nd if the documents are being written starting june 1st? But no, I had to sweet talk A to deign to please look at the requirements document for 1 hr a day. WTF. But I identify with this too, when I'm not motivated, I procrastinate so badly.. There's a huge difference in my output these days, that I feel the fire under my butt and I actually enjoy it, and when I felt that "what's the use" and it would take a huge effort to even start up Eclipse. I gotta find a way of involving him that will make him feel important.

I'm trying to get the business analyst to make the documents so detailed that it's very easy for the tester, and maybe help organize the tester, but that's really unfair to him.

The team in Bangkok is helpful, too.... it's very hard with them because the communication is always overnight. If I send them something, and they have a question, we waste 1/2 week to get it right in the best scenario.

New and exciting challenges.


Weirdly, very similar with the challenges I had in the short time I managed Roula's troupe. hah.

Oooh now I remember. I had that troupe member that was a black hole of energy. I had so much hard time with her. And Roula told me to see that she's just a little pussycat and she just needs MORE LOVE.
 

So last night my son pulls out from his mouth a long, long hair.
Daniel: Oh, I found a hair from mommy! 
Me: It's not from me, it's from daddy.
Daniel: (eyes Mike's shaven head)... (thinks thinks) ... It's from daddy's eyebrows!

I feel like I was just proposed marriage in public by an unlikely contender who never before bothered to mention he likes me.

I don't usually post about my work, because it's not that exciting. Most days I drag myself to the office, force myself to work, procrastinate, and look forward to 5:30pm. I saw my work being sold piecemeal to Thailand and China, right under my eyes. I already kinda decided that the company decision was to obsolete my position. I am very heads down, caring only about my little piece of the machinery. I am a techie. In my very rare conversations with my manager's manager I made it very clear that I'm only interested in technical stuff, and I want to pursue an architecture path rather than a managerial path.

About a month ago, one of my managers from a previous company got hired in a very high position at my current company.

About a week ago, one of my good friends, manager of mine from a previous company and ex-colleagues from York got hired in a high position in my company.

Two days ago a wave of layoffs shook the entire company.

I had no idea what's coming, none whatsoever.

A meeting was announced for yesterday for the entire company. And that's how I find out. Through the meandering drone of the announcements, islets of information filter by. Adrian will be stepping up into a position of... C.D. will be stepping up into a position of... Ioana  will be stepping up into a position of..

Say what?

Yes. That's how I find out, in a meeting with all the effing company, that I have been majorly promoted to a position of Team Lead, with a team of 7 people under me.

It is an honour for me and I'm very shocked. So many issues with this though. First, it looks bad. I can think of 5 people who would probably be better in this position.

Also the fact that I'm chummy with the new people, it looks bad, as if I somehow swindled this. BUT I really honestly didn't, I am more surprised  than all the people who are scratching their heads at this. and  I had no clue that it was happening.

I talked to my manager and he seems to think that it is a good idea for me even though he knows it wasn't what I intended. Okay, if you say so... I will give it my best shot.

Then, there are people in my team (?!!) who are a lot more senior, and very capable, and really more deserving. But because traditionally in the company they tend to promote the application developers rather than database, testers, business analysts etc into team lead positions, I got... lucky? 

Time will tell.

For now, I'm  getting warmed up to the idea and kinda excited about it. I have some ideas...

(from alexisyael, thank you! :-) )

The project:

I’m going to link to a couple of other mom bloggers here in Canada The US, and to a couple of mom bloggers from other countries around the world, and they’ll write their posts, sharing 5 things that they love (or maybe what they don’t so much love - this playground doesn’t force conformity) about being a mom, and then they’ll tag a few more bloggers from their own country and from other countries, and so on. And you’re more than welcome to join: just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don’t know any; google any country name and ‘mom’ in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you’ve tagged them!) - and link back here and leave a comment and we’ll add you to the ‘itinerary,’ which David will compile and post and update as the tour proceeds.

5 Things I Love About Being a Mom

1. My son, his own person, intelligent, sweet, cuddly, considerate, perfect even when naugthy and even when annoying. My love for him. His divinity, giving me a glimpse in the sanctity of human spirit. Seeing the world through his fresh eyes.


2. Learning this, which cannot be learned unless it's experienced

An excerpt from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
"Speak to us of Children".
And he said:

Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your chilren
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and
He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in th earcher's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.
 

3. My husband as a dad. He rocks!! 

4. My parents, their joy with Daniel. 

5.  Seeing the world through his eyes.


I would like to tag tamago23, kettunainen, antigonelost, failedmommy, and  misslynx!


 

One of the most exciting things that has happened in the past 1/2 year for me has been the blogosphere.
 
It is truly, scream out the window, throw your hat on the floor and dance on it  FANTASTIC.

I've learned so much from it, it's handy, accessible, diverse, exciting, fun. It has uncovered the truth in which many people live, their reality and point of view. It has given me the sense of omnipresence, a little piece of G-d.

But it's also incredibly overwhelming and disorganized. Impossible to process. I try to set up some sort of method by which to digest it, a list of daily readings that are relevant in each subject (economy, mommy blogs, dance, etc).. but even if I succeeded to shelf a bunch of links, the list just grows and becomes unmanageable too soon.  It's just too much for anyone. Or maybe I just lack discipline.

Eventually my  roots loosen and just float about in the blogosphere trying to assimilate as much as I can but ending up with scattered knowledge. I have no interest in Twitter, it is the most drastic expression of the soundbyte, acquired ADHD phenomenon.  

To get any real knowledge, I have to turn back to the trusty book, with no links to break the concentration, no references to anything except itself.

How do you anchor yourself? 

My cat George has been not cleaning herself and has been pooping outside the litter box for the past 8 years.

I am at my wit's end with her. She smells and the entire basement where she is now confined smells too. Bad.

If you think that she is depressed because she lives in the basement, she started it, okay? When Daniel was less than 5 lbs and came home, I didn't question our decision to put the cat in the basement, especially since she took a liking to Daniel's crib.

I think if I put her down I would feel like I'm a horrible person.  I would definitely feel like I failed her.  A jerk.

I would gladly pay someone to take her. That would make me a jerk who throws money at the problem.

For the 2nd time in my life I feel I need counselling.

Yesterday we went to see Journey to Mecca at the imax with some friends. It was fantastic. I want to see the show The Operation on that big screen, billed as horror.

After the show, my friend suggested we go to Jerusalem, the restaurant. I perked up, for I know they have bellydancers there. Immediately I thought, if we go there, I will be very much into the bellydancing and I will be ignoring everybody else. I will be very very bad company. The music will be loud. My shoulder angel put it in no uncertain terms. "Don't do it ioana, you know what will happen!" The devil retorted "but she suggested it! It's not our fault!" "Don't do it, you know better!!" .. "but SHE suggested it!!! I didn't say anything!"

Sure enough the moment I walked in I started dancing and did not stop until my friends passed me by on their way out. I knew then that I had to stop and start behaving like not-a-freak, even though the band was playing Ghana El Hawa that I requested, and "the lashes of her eyes imprisoned me".

I called to apologise later in the evening.